What Goes on in my Mind...

   I'm like your average everyday person, I think about random shit that happens to wonder in my mind. But my problome is that I think of Plaid just a little too much. And for a gay Asian boy with nothing much to do, and with school ending today I just don't know why I'm still thinking about him. 

   I feel like I should be thinking of summer and planning to doing shit with my friends. But I feel like this strage feeling of regret and sadness. I told Plaid, the cute football jock that I liked him about two weeks ago, but I wish I never did. He was an asshole to me the whole time after I told him I liked him, and he would cut me off of every social media outlet there ever was. 

   We would still be texting for hours everynight, and he would still send me funny selfies of him to me. He still be super flirty and cute with his flirtynesss. And that we could have also been pretty awesome BFFs and like hanged out during summer too. I just wished I never told him that I liked him. 

   But with all of that said, I still don't know why I exactly like him. Maybe I'm a desperate little fuck that just want a boyfriend. Or many that I  liked him for who he really was, an overall cool guy. In a way I just think moving on is a little hard, as the little awkward kid that I have no fucking clue what to do of how to feel. 

   All I know is this, that summer is around the corner, and that I can drive soon. So, shopping expeditions, and girl time are both in my summer plans. And probably by the time summer ends I won't even know who Plaid is...unless we like hang out over the summer. But God, that would be a fucking miracle. 

It Makes Me Giggle...

   I think we have all experienced those nights where we just think about everything in the world. From what will do tomorrow, to how will we die. But it's strange to me, that I would think about Plaid when drifting in to sleep. 

   It may sound simple that I'm just thinking of him, but rather I feel it's so strange. I personally feel that when your thinking of some, they must be of a high importance to you. Because there's a fuck load of generic bitches out there. So, to me does that mean Plaid is still important to me? 

   Maybe, I still kinda like him, and that won't lie about that. But it's also the fact that he's in a way giving me attention that no other boy in my school can. And that he's also like super flirty, like flirty in a such a cute way for a football jock.

   I feel like I could have moved on, but for a gay Asian boy that has suffered brain damage from watching the Kardashions it's hard to do that. To me he's cute but in such a strage way. Like I feel when I talk to him there's a different side to him that no one has ever seen before. 

  It's makes me giggle that after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays we stay after school and get chemistry help. And it's usually just us two and are teacher, but the sad part is that he's super flirty to the fucking point where the teacher is  picking up on his flirtatious actions too. Like he drops his guard and plays the flirting game head on. 

   We usually sit like on the opposite sides of the room, and he will just find some funny way to drift over to my side. Like he will do the whole thing where he needs help with a problem. Then I'm like these are so esay, then I just do the whole fucking problem for him. Like it's cute that he acts like he's not paying any  attention to me. We also know that he tries to play it cool and he's fails all the time. 

   So, I might think about Plaid because he's cute, nice and flirty. Or is there something deeper with in me that wonders about him. Whatever that cae maybe, I still think that he's kinda cute, and a nice guy to be friends with. But I can still hope with summer around the corner we can be BFFs. 

New Rules...

So when people say that life moves on, it moves on. But in this case it has moved  on in the best way possible. I told my crush I like him two weeks ago, and for a gay flamboyant Asian kid that's a miracle in the making. He's also a hot football jock and stud muffin 

However he played the asshole card and completely cut me off. So he deleted my number, avoided me in school and also just stopped talking to me in general. And little me here went in to autopilot cry mode, with a dash of fuck the world. 

So all last week I believed that I could have moved on. And with a help my friend, telling me to move on from him will be even faster if I got a hair cut. Interestingly, that seemed to help a lot. It felt as if a shit ton if my life problem has some how simply disappeared, and I felt as if I could take on the trivialities of the world with a Prada bag on hand. 

But there was also the other side of me, the self conscience side that told me that the hair cut was so fucking bad and not that cute. However that did not last long once I got complimented on how hot I look. I will not lie I did secretly feel hot from with in my soul. 

But what was even more funny was that it got the attention of Plaid, my crush. And it's awkward when the guy you like looks at you, after a whole week of not looking at you on purpose and also avoiding you. So I asked him if my hair looked cute, and he told me that it does and that he liked it. 

 I think it was at that vary moment that I fell back in to liking him. As I was about to move on with my life, I fucked up and fell back in to liking that little pice of shit. But, he's a hot pice of shit and he's cute, plus he's fairly nice. 

So I don't know how it's going to workout between Plaid and I. Now he's all flirty with me agian, and im just so lost in this forest of emotions. I cannot tell you that I like you but you're going to fucking flirt with me. Oh well it's still cute that he flirts but now I know the rules and I just can't break them. 

Bitter is Never Sweet...

  I have seen way better days. I mean all of us have seen those days, too. There are some days that we are super happy and other days where we want to cut a bitch as an act of anger. But interestingly, I don't want to cut a bitch or say that I'm super happy. But, rather that I feel a little bitter on the inside.

   For the past few days, not being able to go on any social media outlets has been challenging. All I want to do is see what my friends are up too and how the football stud Plaid is doing. With shit in the school, it's not so pretty. I mean, yeah, it's calmed down a lot but there's still a shitty mood in the school.

   But, maybe that's just me. I feel like the feeling I have is a strange mix of bitterness and regret. I feel bitter because, after being pretty good friends with Plaid, he just cut me off like that for telling him that I like him. Sorry that a gay Asian kid likes you, but you don't have to be an asshole about it. But, it's not like he wasn't flirting too. I mean, that back rub was amazing, and the selfies he sent were all cute. 

   However, the regret came in when I realized that I did not like him that much to start with. After being cut off from him for a week, I don't even care that much about him. But, what I miss that most is our conversations. Like, they were so much fun, and sadly that shit won't happen ever agian. Unless we become friends again, which would be a miracle in the making.

  I think at this point, life is a bag of lemons. And when life gives you lemons, I don't give a fuck what you do with those lemons, just do something with them. And I need to do that right now. I can't sit here and feel sad for myself and feel this shitty feeling of bitterness and regret for telling my crush I like him.  

  I need to take action and feel better, because no one is going to make me feel better, rather than myself allowing me to be happy. In the end, I'm the only one in this world that can make myself happy, once I choose it.  And, for me, that starts with some good old fashioned tea. 

Back to Yourself...

Somedays all you need is a brake from life. So you might ask what does that mean? Well it could be a lot of things, from watching Sex and the City and going on an online shopping spree. But, even harder just going ahead and deliting all your social media apps. 

Stalking the guy you like does not help the situation as my good friend told me. It might even make the shit your dealing with even harder. Because when shit hits the fan it gets everywhere, and sadly that has happend. 

   Being the gay Asian kid here and Plaid the football jock we where just friends in until I had feelings for him. However the problem is that when drama is born, school idiots make it 1000X worse then it has to be. So for example, if a chick gets a paper cut. Then the next day it goes to "Shit, did you hear man,a bitch got cut!!!". Yeah talk about stupid drama shit. 

But being only the mild bitch that I am, I just feel vary bad for Plaid. All I want is to take back the last 5 days of school and shred it all apart. His fuckface friends are awful to him and it's sad to see him isolate himself. 

   The problem was also that I'm so stupid. He was probably close to me because I was not one of his fuckface friends, rather I was pretty nice and caring about him. So that's why he was so comfortable with me. It's just so sad to know that I was emotionaly blind.

   I mean as cool and awesome of a guy he is, I kinda wish we never talked. Drama is emotional and just so draining on the human soul. And it's sad to see that this shit is being manipulated by others that don't even know shit about what really happend between us. But it's worse to see him isolated. 

 So I think it starts with us, if I just cut myself off from the world for these next few weeks it might help a lot. I already deleted my twitter app to start with some help. And I just got some good movies to watch with ice cream in the freezer. So I might get fat for this week, but it will be worth it, if it helps out Plaid in the end. But more importantly it's me time with understanding who I am and also finding inner peace. So bring on that mother fucker ice cream. 

Faithful Fridays....

The truth is one of the most amazing things in the world, and yet it is sometimes the hardest thing to deal with as well. However, all we can do as people is embrace it right? So let's do that, embrace the truth, love the truth, and hug the truth. 

And that is what I must do today. As last night Plaid told me that he was straight and  not gay, like over fucking twitter message. Becuse let's be honest here he's not a "man" he's a scared little kid that's trapped in a mans body. His balls have not dropped yet to tell me in person like a real man.

But come on the selfies, that back rub, and why did I need to know the size of his dick again....but oh well right? And the funny thing was that it took him almost a week to tell me this fact about him. Like a whole fucking week to tell me this shit. I don't care how shy you are just a silly yes or no question is not that hard answer. 

With in that week little stupid me over ate ice cream, cried way to much, and also could not sleep. I mean come on, all he need to do was say "no." But oh well that's life for a gay  16 year old boy Asian  that's in to hot football jocks that are assholes. 

It still is so funny to me how flirty he was to me with in that time frame. Why did he have to do that? I have no fucking clue still, maybe later I will understand why he did that. 

However, overall I'm pretty happy with what happend. I think that I got the awnser that I was looking for. Not that he would tell me that he liked me, I mean God that would have been amazing. But it was a response that I need the most. So a massive wight has been lifted from me. Not the awnser I wanted but, hay it's something. 

 But I don't think that we are friends anymore sadly. Mybe over the summer we could be cool again and hangout? Let's hope that happens, for being the asshole that he is he's still a pretty awesome guy. But at this point little old me has moved on. I think there could be a chance right? 

The Past...

Liking people is a natural human action to do. Unless your a pice of shit that has no feelings, and has no heart that cared for other people. Yet, sadly there are those people in this world. It's like shopping online. It looks amazing on  the model. But shit when you get that fucker home it's just pure shit. However the difference is that online shopping is so much fun and in reality liking a crush is different. 

It's painful when the one you like does not have the same feelings for you. However it's worst when they give you no awnser to why. And that's Plaid right there he's the kinda person that would do such an evil action. Instead what he does is hides from the shit. 

So why did I like this kid. This kid was my first real crush and as the gay kid that I am I thought he was cute. But the way I met him was so strange we only started talking for some random reason  in January. And it was from that first night of texting him I fell hard and he also sent me a random selfie of himself. 

I thought he was funny and nice. He also was pretty cool as a person with awesome looks. I thought this was a kid I kinda liked. However, I had to go to Vietnam for two weeks.

 So I was in Vietnam for those 14 days and let's say it was so much fun, but only when I was texting him for three hours every day and when I was tanning. And that was a blast. Three hours every night for the past two weeks I was there. 

Our topics were so funny. They go from shopping all the way to sex, with a quick topic change. I did not know it then, but he was already flirting with me. It was then the selfies started to come in. He would send me random selfies with no context to the situation at all. I won't lie they were cute and he looked so hot in all of them. And he would always have to put a filter over them...why the filter for such a hot stud muffin I don't know. 

I however just miss those days. I mean we could have been friends still and all of this would never happen. The problem I feel  is we need to have a talk to sort out our feelings and that won't happen. I know that there is unfinished business. But I don't know how the fuck that is going to happen, but it will one day. Just hope, because as people that's all we can do somedays just hope under a fig tree.