What Goes on in my Mind...

   I'm like your average everyday person, I think about random shit that happens to wonder in my mind. But my problome is that I think of Plaid just a little too much. And for a gay Asian boy with nothing much to do, and with school ending today I just don't know why I'm still thinking about him. 

   I feel like I should be thinking of summer and planning to doing shit with my friends. But I feel like this strage feeling of regret and sadness. I told Plaid, the cute football jock that I liked him about two weeks ago, but I wish I never did. He was an asshole to me the whole time after I told him I liked him, and he would cut me off of every social media outlet there ever was. 

   We would still be texting for hours everynight, and he would still send me funny selfies of him to me. He still be super flirty and cute with his flirtynesss. And that we could have also been pretty awesome BFFs and like hanged out during summer too. I just wished I never told him that I liked him. 

   But with all of that said, I still don't know why I exactly like him. Maybe I'm a desperate little fuck that just want a boyfriend. Or many that I  liked him for who he really was, an overall cool guy. In a way I just think moving on is a little hard, as the little awkward kid that I have no fucking clue what to do of how to feel. 

   All I know is this, that summer is around the corner, and that I can drive soon. So, shopping expeditions, and girl time are both in my summer plans. And probably by the time summer ends I won't even know who Plaid is...unless we like hang out over the summer. But God, that would be a fucking miracle. 

It Makes Me Giggle...

   I think we have all experienced those nights where we just think about everything in the world. From what will do tomorrow, to how will we die. But it's strange to me, that I would think about Plaid when drifting in to sleep. 

   It may sound simple that I'm just thinking of him, but rather I feel it's so strange. I personally feel that when your thinking of some, they must be of a high importance to you. Because there's a fuck load of generic bitches out there. So, to me does that mean Plaid is still important to me? 

   Maybe, I still kinda like him, and that won't lie about that. But it's also the fact that he's in a way giving me attention that no other boy in my school can. And that he's also like super flirty, like flirty in a such a cute way for a football jock.

   I feel like I could have moved on, but for a gay Asian boy that has suffered brain damage from watching the Kardashions it's hard to do that. To me he's cute but in such a strage way. Like I feel when I talk to him there's a different side to him that no one has ever seen before. 

  It's makes me giggle that after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays we stay after school and get chemistry help. And it's usually just us two and are teacher, but the sad part is that he's super flirty to the fucking point where the teacher is  picking up on his flirtatious actions too. Like he drops his guard and plays the flirting game head on. 

   We usually sit like on the opposite sides of the room, and he will just find some funny way to drift over to my side. Like he will do the whole thing where he needs help with a problem. Then I'm like these are so esay, then I just do the whole fucking problem for him. Like it's cute that he acts like he's not paying any  attention to me. We also know that he tries to play it cool and he's fails all the time. 

   So, I might think about Plaid because he's cute, nice and flirty. Or is there something deeper with in me that wonders about him. Whatever that cae maybe, I still think that he's kinda cute, and a nice guy to be friends with. But I can still hope with summer around the corner we can be BFFs. 

New Rules...

So when people say that life moves on, it moves on. But in this case it has moved  on in the best way possible. I told my crush I like him two weeks ago, and for a gay flamboyant Asian kid that's a miracle in the making. He's also a hot football jock and stud muffin 

However he played the asshole card and completely cut me off. So he deleted my number, avoided me in school and also just stopped talking to me in general. And little me here went in to autopilot cry mode, with a dash of fuck the world. 

So all last week I believed that I could have moved on. And with a help my friend, telling me to move on from him will be even faster if I got a hair cut. Interestingly, that seemed to help a lot. It felt as if a shit ton if my life problem has some how simply disappeared, and I felt as if I could take on the trivialities of the world with a Prada bag on hand. 

But there was also the other side of me, the self conscience side that told me that the hair cut was so fucking bad and not that cute. However that did not last long once I got complimented on how hot I look. I will not lie I did secretly feel hot from with in my soul. 

But what was even more funny was that it got the attention of Plaid, my crush. And it's awkward when the guy you like looks at you, after a whole week of not looking at you on purpose and also avoiding you. So I asked him if my hair looked cute, and he told me that it does and that he liked it. 

 I think it was at that vary moment that I fell back in to liking him. As I was about to move on with my life, I fucked up and fell back in to liking that little pice of shit. But, he's a hot pice of shit and he's cute, plus he's fairly nice. 

So I don't know how it's going to workout between Plaid and I. Now he's all flirty with me agian, and im just so lost in this forest of emotions. I cannot tell you that I like you but you're going to fucking flirt with me. Oh well it's still cute that he flirts but now I know the rules and I just can't break them. 

Bitter is Never Sweet...

  I have seen way better days. I mean all of us have seen those days, too. There are some days that we are super happy and other days where we want to cut a bitch as an act of anger. But interestingly, I don't want to cut a bitch or say that I'm super happy. But, rather that I feel a little bitter on the inside.

   For the past few days, not being able to go on any social media outlets has been challenging. All I want to do is see what my friends are up too and how the football stud Plaid is doing. With shit in the school, it's not so pretty. I mean, yeah, it's calmed down a lot but there's still a shitty mood in the school.

   But, maybe that's just me. I feel like the feeling I have is a strange mix of bitterness and regret. I feel bitter because, after being pretty good friends with Plaid, he just cut me off like that for telling him that I like him. Sorry that a gay Asian kid likes you, but you don't have to be an asshole about it. But, it's not like he wasn't flirting too. I mean, that back rub was amazing, and the selfies he sent were all cute. 

   However, the regret came in when I realized that I did not like him that much to start with. After being cut off from him for a week, I don't even care that much about him. But, what I miss that most is our conversations. Like, they were so much fun, and sadly that shit won't happen ever agian. Unless we become friends again, which would be a miracle in the making.

  I think at this point, life is a bag of lemons. And when life gives you lemons, I don't give a fuck what you do with those lemons, just do something with them. And I need to do that right now. I can't sit here and feel sad for myself and feel this shitty feeling of bitterness and regret for telling my crush I like him.  

  I need to take action and feel better, because no one is going to make me feel better, rather than myself allowing me to be happy. In the end, I'm the only one in this world that can make myself happy, once I choose it.  And, for me, that starts with some good old fashioned tea. 

Back to Yourself...

Somedays all you need is a brake from life. So you might ask what does that mean? Well it could be a lot of things, from watching Sex and the City and going on an online shopping spree. But, even harder just going ahead and deliting all your social media apps. 

Stalking the guy you like does not help the situation as my good friend told me. It might even make the shit your dealing with even harder. Because when shit hits the fan it gets everywhere, and sadly that has happend. 

   Being the gay Asian kid here and Plaid the football jock we where just friends in until I had feelings for him. However the problem is that when drama is born, school idiots make it 1000X worse then it has to be. So for example, if a chick gets a paper cut. Then the next day it goes to "Shit, did you hear man,a bitch got cut!!!". Yeah talk about stupid drama shit. 

But being only the mild bitch that I am, I just feel vary bad for Plaid. All I want is to take back the last 5 days of school and shred it all apart. His fuckface friends are awful to him and it's sad to see him isolate himself. 

   The problem was also that I'm so stupid. He was probably close to me because I was not one of his fuckface friends, rather I was pretty nice and caring about him. So that's why he was so comfortable with me. It's just so sad to know that I was emotionaly blind.

   I mean as cool and awesome of a guy he is, I kinda wish we never talked. Drama is emotional and just so draining on the human soul. And it's sad to see that this shit is being manipulated by others that don't even know shit about what really happend between us. But it's worse to see him isolated. 

 So I think it starts with us, if I just cut myself off from the world for these next few weeks it might help a lot. I already deleted my twitter app to start with some help. And I just got some good movies to watch with ice cream in the freezer. So I might get fat for this week, but it will be worth it, if it helps out Plaid in the end. But more importantly it's me time with understanding who I am and also finding inner peace. So bring on that mother fucker ice cream. 

Faithful Fridays....

The truth is one of the most amazing things in the world, and yet it is sometimes the hardest thing to deal with as well. However, all we can do as people is embrace it right? So let's do that, embrace the truth, love the truth, and hug the truth. 

And that is what I must do today. As last night Plaid told me that he was straight and  not gay, like over fucking twitter message. Becuse let's be honest here he's not a "man" he's a scared little kid that's trapped in a mans body. His balls have not dropped yet to tell me in person like a real man.

But come on the selfies, that back rub, and why did I need to know the size of his dick again....but oh well right? And the funny thing was that it took him almost a week to tell me this fact about him. Like a whole fucking week to tell me this shit. I don't care how shy you are just a silly yes or no question is not that hard answer. 

With in that week little stupid me over ate ice cream, cried way to much, and also could not sleep. I mean come on, all he need to do was say "no." But oh well that's life for a gay  16 year old boy Asian  that's in to hot football jocks that are assholes. 

It still is so funny to me how flirty he was to me with in that time frame. Why did he have to do that? I have no fucking clue still, maybe later I will understand why he did that. 

However, overall I'm pretty happy with what happend. I think that I got the awnser that I was looking for. Not that he would tell me that he liked me, I mean God that would have been amazing. But it was a response that I need the most. So a massive wight has been lifted from me. Not the awnser I wanted but, hay it's something. 

 But I don't think that we are friends anymore sadly. Mybe over the summer we could be cool again and hangout? Let's hope that happens, for being the asshole that he is he's still a pretty awesome guy. But at this point little old me has moved on. I think there could be a chance right? 

The Past...

Liking people is a natural human action to do. Unless your a pice of shit that has no feelings, and has no heart that cared for other people. Yet, sadly there are those people in this world. It's like shopping online. It looks amazing on  the model. But shit when you get that fucker home it's just pure shit. However the difference is that online shopping is so much fun and in reality liking a crush is different. 

It's painful when the one you like does not have the same feelings for you. However it's worst when they give you no awnser to why. And that's Plaid right there he's the kinda person that would do such an evil action. Instead what he does is hides from the shit. 

So why did I like this kid. This kid was my first real crush and as the gay kid that I am I thought he was cute. But the way I met him was so strange we only started talking for some random reason  in January. And it was from that first night of texting him I fell hard and he also sent me a random selfie of himself. 

I thought he was funny and nice. He also was pretty cool as a person with awesome looks. I thought this was a kid I kinda liked. However, I had to go to Vietnam for two weeks.

 So I was in Vietnam for those 14 days and let's say it was so much fun, but only when I was texting him for three hours every day and when I was tanning. And that was a blast. Three hours every night for the past two weeks I was there. 

Our topics were so funny. They go from shopping all the way to sex, with a quick topic change. I did not know it then, but he was already flirting with me. It was then the selfies started to come in. He would send me random selfies with no context to the situation at all. I won't lie they were cute and he looked so hot in all of them. And he would always have to put a filter over them...why the filter for such a hot stud muffin I don't know. 

I however just miss those days. I mean we could have been friends still and all of this would never happen. The problem I feel  is we need to have a talk to sort out our feelings and that won't happen. I know that there is unfinished business. But I don't know how the fuck that is going to happen, but it will one day. Just hope, because as people that's all we can do somedays just hope under a fig tree. 

  

Web Based Wednesday

I think we all have a Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat or just any other kind social media outlet. I don't use twitter often but when I do use it it's pretty fun. I tend to get in to the whole crazy shit show of just retweeting everyone's tweets. 

However today I got a little sad, I mean Plaid unfollowed me on twitter...THAT PICE OF SHIT UNFOLLOWED ME!! I'm just kidding but at the same time I did feel sad. Like I don't know why but it was to the point where I had to leave the classroom and go cry in the bathroom. Like how childish of me to do such a thing.

I mean I have emotions, so logically does  that mean I have the right to cry? I don't want to cry all the time but I must. I'm just sad, that as a happy gay man that I am, this asshole football jock brought me to tears in public. 

That might be the problem that's going in my mind is that, I don't want to cry in public. As much as I am an outgoing person, I still have feelings that no one sees and one of those is sadness. 

I personally think tears are the worst thing ever. They're little drops of water that roll down your face that is only produced when one is in emotional pain and suffering. No matter how big or little your tears are they still contain with in them the feeling of pain. But mine are also full of regret. The regret of ever telling my crush that I liked him. 

I know that one day I can move on from all of this but it's still kinda hard like very hard. Only two classes in the day and two left and my last class is the one I see him in I hope he does not come. I can't cry anymore. Because tears hurt, a lot and my tears are filled with too much regret.  

Tuesday is a Shit Day...

 We all cry, or at least our tear ducts get wartery on somedays. And this morning that happend to me. I was walking down the hallways and what, oh look that fucker is there, like right there. I mean all I wanted to say was "Hi" but I could not, since I told him that I liked him on Saturday. And I'm also the kinda gay kid that dose not just say hi. Rather I yell that shit. 

 

   However,  I was feeling something different.  Maybe it was the feeling of regret that I told my crush that I liked him and wish that football jock would still flirt with me. Or maybe it was anger that was still traped with in me that wanted an awnser from that pice of shit who looks super hot. Whatever that feeling was, it broke me this morning. 

   I found out that I was unable to move on at that very moment. Just to take a quick glance at him made me cry with tears full of sadness and anger. So just imagine if Plaid and I had a conversation I would have a heart attack or just pass out. However he has been avoiding me for the past two days in school and I understand why he's doing that. But I wish he would just man up and tell me how he feels. 

I just think moving on from people is an art that we all need to know. I however am not one of these people who has mastered it, and will most likely never master it. I just now am to attached to him, like it's funny to know that he likes to flirt with me before this. But when he's confronted with the truth he just avoids it. I'm still hoping that he will talk to me and I mean hopeing like hardcore. Even if this hope is a false hope, at least it will keep me somewhat not crazy. 

 

  

Mondays from Hell...

Let's be for reals here... We all hate Mondays, but my hatred for this day of the week has probably grown by a lot. I mean, I told my crush that I liked him and he never replied to my last text , plus I'm so awkward to top it off. I want to cry my eyes out...and I'm ugly when I cry. 

However, with all that said and done, I have been freaking out all day to see him, and sadly he was not even here in class today. I was making a mental picture of this event in my head that was strategically planned out how everything was going to happen when I next saw him. Like he's not even here, wow how eventful!

I mean what I wanted all these past few days is a simple response. Such as: "Sorry I don't feel the same way." Or at least something. Fuck everything on days like this, where you don't get the shit you want. 

 It's understandable that he does not want to talk to me, or even see me . But how could he flirt with me all those times before in the past four months, and then when I tell him that I like him he completely avoids me. He has to become this dick that doesn't care about how I feel. 

But at the same time he still follows me on twitter and also reads my snapchat stories for fun. Like what the fuck is wrong with him. He can happily do all that other shit but he's not going to respond to me at all. Wow, what a man he claimed himself to be. I'm just lost for words, if he's going to do this shit then fine, fuck him. 

But I'm not going to lie, I still like him a lot. And that may be the problem I have personally, which would be letting things go. As much as I want to stop thinking about this cute Plaid. I just can't, I have way to many hormones in my body and also I'm pretty blind at this point. As this school day is about to end I'm still thinking about Plaid and just hoping underneath a fig tree (The Bell Jar reference) that he will respond to me. 

Plaid the Cute Ass...

Texting is so interesting, it's all the words in our in heads that we then transfer to our little cute phones that convert them into words. I mean there's nothing wrong with that, for the most part, but the problem is that we lose the humanity in the words that we want to express.

So, when you write a good long three paragraph essay about  how you feel over texting it just, well, seems sad.  I did that last night and now thinking about it probably could have been 10 times easier if I just had told him in person. (But let's be honest here it just was to awkward to do that and I would has probably cried my little eyes out...so fuck no). 

But the problem is that we have been talking for four months now and it's just funny to think that after I told him that I like him. I don't even care that much about the whole thing. Long story super short I wrote him a heart felt text and well being the cute yet major asshole that he is. He read the mother fucker and never even replied back. 

And we have school on Monday, so fuck my life right. However, the relationship gods from above are so evil. And that life itself is just to fortuitous that as much as want to avoid him I just keep running into him. 

I mean I will see him in the hallways, it's not like he's going to move to Canada and become the next great grizzly bear hunter and live in the mountains for a year. As wonderful as that sounds I might just miss him even more if I don't even see him. 

So Monday is approaching and I have class with him. It's also the last block of the day too. I still have no fucking clue what to do, so I'm just going to pray to the Gods and hope that this nightmare ends. But at the same time I hope that he replies back and just talks to me, oh well we shall see.

 

Plaid the kid

   Life is a bunch of shit and I mean all the things I do in life is sometimes questionable, but when it comes to liking this kid (we will call him Plaid) it has been a total nightmare. The problem is that he's a hot jock on the football team and a stud muffin that looks really hot and I mean HOT as Hades. I however on the other hand, am an Asian kid that is a little too flamboyant, yet at the same time I'm just so fucking awkward. I'm very berry bad awkward, in the way that I just say shit that is not socially acceptable to the majority of the world. Plus I'm also the kinda kid that loves a ton of glitter on everything and anything. 

   At this point you may be thinking this sounds like a classic story of a gay boy having a crush on a straight boy...however the main problem is that we are also friends and that we have been texting each other for almost five months now. And this is where the shit gets real, when was the last time a boy sent you cute selfies and I mean selfies where each mother fucker  has a damn filter on it . Yah, and that he has to work hard to look good in the photo. But being honest here, he dose not need to do shit because that boy is hot as fuck. 

  But it's also not only, that he flirts with you too. Like this is not your average flirting, this flirting is comparable to how peacocks flirt feathers on display 24/7. But also at the same time, this is like manly flirting like full on flirting. Why the hell does he need to flex in front of you...he doesn't but that asshole still dose it. I can not tell a lie it's hot as fuck but come on why me. 

   The logic just does not add up. Where I'm in school right now there is no other football kid or jock  that talks to me simply because they're assholes that act like the shit in school. And secondly they want nothing to do with the gay kid in fear that they will somehow be in association with me...and the worst part of those fears is that there will be a rumor about that shit. Let's be honest here the cheerleaders know shit that I don't even know about myself. 

   However out of all the boys in football he's also in debate. He's not very good but, he tries and that is what matters in my eyes. But it's in that room, the room where all the flirting goes on. (I must say if you have read this far I may seem to be the one that's on crack or some other drug that helps the human mind flow of it's wonders but no it's just how I am.) But back to the room, as much as you may expect me to be a master at flirting...but I'm so sorry I can't flirt to save my life I mean the most I can do is say "Hi." But that's  as good as it gets. 

   This stud on the other hand is like a god at the job. Ok well in my eyes he's like a pro at what he does. Such as one day giving me an amazing back rub in the middle of class, the problem the room was quite and might I say all eyes were on us. The other shit he does is that he flirts with me after school in chemistry like when I need help with shit I go get help, but are you fucking kidding me he's also in there too. God fuck the world right, he is so cute in there I mean one thing that turns me on as an Asian is to see a hot guy doing homework, and when he does homework it's hot as FUCK. 

  The final strange part is that the school itself is just so fortuitous, if I was walking down the hall there is that mother fucker. Or if I was walking to another class, oh look who's in a bro tank walking my way that piece of shit. The worst part is that he says "Hi" to me in like this slight flirting manner, but why the fuck is it that hard to text me...all I want to do is talk, but you can't even do that. The hell if you don't want to talk to me then don't talk to me at all. In my mind it's this strange dynamic of my brain cells and it sucks and I mean it sucks like if I was a crazy bitch on crack. But I'm already that so I guess I can't use that example. 

   But what I'm kinda getting at is that I have feelings. And that it's so interesting because as people I think that we all have different feelings, facets, and thinking processes that makes us tick as individuals. And as shitty for me it has been for the past 4 months, I somehow now understand my self a little more. I might only like him in the way that he is letting me understand myself. But he's also hot so that's like the other part too. I also now know that I'm a slightly shallow bitch myself, looks play role to who I like. But with all of that said I know now that probably and most likely he's not the one it's only high school and the real world is way more amazing then this prison. But oh well I'm only 16 and I need to go back to me and start living again.